Thursday, February 20, 2014

Not Stop, Just Not Stop

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When there are just so many things you want to remember, and you know you just need to start writing them down before they are all gone, but as you think about where to start you go back and forth between “ugh there is just so much I don’t even know where to start” and “wait, my weeks basically just repeat themselves why would I want to read this again someday” and “but this is real and special things are happening that I’m going to forget about” and you want to just do a stream of consciousness but then you keep editing it even as you go along.

What do you do, Tori? Oh, guys. My life is so full. It’s totally different every day, every week, at least the details are. But overall, I work at church for Kalamazoo and Vandalia, help out with WorshipArts, sleep, and occasionally eat something or shower, and have Peter-time watching a few different TV shows or going to movies. I try to do the following too, but it happens so sporadically: spend time with my core girls, or exercise, or mentor girls, or plan meals, or clean the house. I take pictures with my iPhone and love editing them, and that’s my manageable way of recording my life.

And then there is my Jesus time. Let me tell you--I’d be in a terrible place with Christ if it wasn’t for the wonder of recorded worship music. God has met me many a time with a “random” song on Spotify radio, or one from our mix CD in our car, or a lyric that I can’t get out of my head. I’m trying to read the whole New Testament this year. And it’s February 20th and I don’t think I’ve finished 10 chapters yet. His grace is sufficient to cover my mistakes. But I don’t want this busyness to be an idol. I don’t want procrastination to be an idol. I don’t want to look back at my life, and realize I “held something back in my life that I could have lavished out at Jesus’ feet” (S. L. Pradhan).

So I’m living this life. I’m trying to record it in bits and pieces. To use it to give God glory. Please, look at my life and see someone who’s doing what she can to love Jesus. I’m so not perfect at this. Don’t you dare try to put me on a pedestal, ok? Because that’s completely not where I belong. But I wouldn’t mind if you see my life AS a pedestal. Because I want to be lifting Jesus up with all the little things I do. With the way I love my husband. With the way I get excited about new iPhone editing apps. With the little moments I manage to see something I like to think is profound in a verse or a lyric and so I share it with you.

I want to have more time to pour out. I want to answer all your amazing and hard questions on Tumblr. I want to write great encouraging comments on your statuses on Facebook. I want to take you out for coffee or have you and your guy over for dinner or go out with that group and love life with you. But I can’t do it all right now and I have to fight the thoughts that want to tear me down because I just can’t.

I want to have more time to pour in, too. I want to spend hours reading the Bible. I want to spend hours painting and sketching. I want to read so many non-fiction, leadership, learning books. I want to inhale so much solid fiction I keep hearing about. I want to work on my voice and start singing more. I want to just be and pray for 2 hours straight at a time with nothing going on around me. But I just can’t find the time between everything else going on to make room for this stuff.

So it’s just not happening.
While everything keeps happening.

And I’ll just keep doing my best to not look at my own feet cause when I do that I trip, and instead just try to keep my eyes on Heaven, on the Cross, even when it’s foggy, to just keep my feet moving forward, and not stop, just not stop. Just keep living and keep smiling and keep Jesus in the center because if He’s not I’ll totally spiral out of control.

Jesus. Keeping our eyes on Jesus. Stay centered, soul. On Jesus.

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