Sunday, August 24, 2008

Lists

Yeah, so I'm left here. Goodbye to the list of those leaving--Jones, Lindsay, my Peter, Nick, and a bunch of other people....

God has taken them away and left me here. There are so many mundane things that I must do but none are successfully wooing me. Clean room, set up a study area, schedule, schedule, schedule, run last minute errands, do laundry (lots of that...hm...), figure ways to organize space--get a hanging jewelery box, get shelves, exercise--and the list continues.

I don't want my life to be this kind of a list. And yet I'm going to school to become a Business Administrator....I've got a hunch that takes a lot of lists. Oh how I despise it when I despise normalness. God made a beauty there and lately it is hidden. I don't want to be bitter about where I am, I don't want to be "living" like a flat balloon--colorful but two dimensional. And getting God's helium is feeling like telling that balloon to run to walmart and buy a helium tank by her-little-balloon-lonesome-self. And she's just stuck there flat on the ground, debating whether to look at the cement before her or gaze longingly at those clouds above she can't reach on her own. All alone...

But I'm not alone really. And after I mourn a little more you'll see more of me, I suppose. I thank God for you my friends, because without you I'd really be despairing... God has taken care of me by giving me you.

So why am I still stuck on the cement? Because I've been having so much trouble sitting down and just listening to God and then doing what He says. So please pray for my heart for His word to come back and my ears to open again and my tears to slow down...

My aren't I the drama queen. But hurt is real even when it is cliche.

God, make me more hungry for You, and then fill me overflowing so I can't help but give You away.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

White-knuckled

So this is how it feels,
to be torn in two.
I took the risk,
and I'm on this journey with you.

I can't promise I'll never look back,
And right now I can't see that far ahead.
The grey is covering me,
I feel I'm in over my head.

I trust you both when you say,
a light will break through the haze.
But right now its so dim,
and I'm lost in this maze.

Emotions overtaking.
Fears sink their teeth in,
Ready to drink my life's blood.

I'm fighting the undertow,
I cannot let go.
White-knuckled, I'm yours...Yours.

This is where I am.
As real as I can be.
Weak, tired, raw;
fallen to my knees.

And this is how it is,
With you so far away.
I'm holding to the Promise,
of the next day.

You need to know
I'll never regret my choice.
I know you are a part of me,
we are meant to be.

But times do come when I lose hope.
My head spins and doubt takes control.
What feels real then isn't always Truth.
But Truth does find me out and then I know...

This isn't all, this isn't it, and I don't have to fear.
Afraid right now but not for long...

There is a light
So high.
There is a light,
growing brighter.
There is a Light,
so strong,
It will break through,
It must break through,
I trust It will.

And until then, white-knuckled, I hold on.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Before the Sleep

I was just wondering...
What do you think about before you fall asleep?

Often, though it is quite unimaginative, I am thinking of the day coming next and all the things I need to do...
And I often find my self processing the events of the day I just experienced. Do you ever have to think things over before sleep will come to you? I do most of the time. It is hard for me to just fall asleep because so many thoughts are running rampant in my head and they need to be tamed before I can rest.

How does this work for you? And then, what do you wish you thought of before you went to sleep?

I wish I always was thinking of God's love and His glory. I do so a fair amount of time, but it should be so much more consuming. I want Him to take me over and wash me with His love.

So that is my prayer now, before I, and you, go to bed. That His love would take us over and we would fall asleep in His peace and not the worries of today and tomorrow.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Some Thoughts Of Mine

And the days are slipping by....

Even though this is the beginning of a new and potentially exciting season of my life, it is very difficult for me to keep from look back. I want to dwell on the memories of my past and hold tight to those moments because the future is uncertain. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do so often in life. I think it was easier to let go of HPA last fall than it is to do so now, with such new and different shows and the inability to even go help at rehearsals this semester... It is much more of a challenge. I suppose it was good in some ways to schedule my classes on thursdays--it is forcing me to let go of HPA that much more. At least I know this year is going to be something great for HPA, even though I can't help as much as I'd like.

And then there is the bigger let-go of my love, Peter. Even though I know he will come back and I know this is what God wants for us, it is still so difficult for me to let him walk away. I know technically he isn't leaving me; he is going partly because someday he would like to provide for me...and he is going completely because God told him too, which is reason enough to let him go to the other side of the world if He said so (but thank you Jesus for not asking that of him and I!) Even though I know all these good things, I still have moments of deep, heart-wrenching hurt. Peter won't be here. He will be far away.

But it is a comfort that God is with us, and I am not left completely alone amongst strangers. Hm, maybe that is part of the reason God is letting me stay here in Kalamazoo and go to valley? He has given me the safety of still being with my family and friends that are also going to valley. He takes care of me even as I cry out to Him. I keep asking for strength and peace of heart, and really there is strength all around me--in the gifts God has given me in my friends.

I apologize to many of you for not spending as much time with you now as I possibly should. I feel like now I need to take every moment I can and cherish being with Peter...but he will be gone and then I will focus on you all like I should. Yes, I will still be busy--work an school will be demanding, but at least I will make time for you when I possibly can. I also want to say thank you for waiting and understanding...you all mean the world to me.

God bless you all!!!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

A Moment, and His Wing

I'm trying to remember the good moments now, and not think about the hard moments to come. And I'm finding it to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

Peter is leaving. In less than 16 days. He'll be gone... gone nine hours away and become so much harder to keep a part of my life. I know he will stay here in my heart, and I will be talking with him as often as possible. But the fact that he isn't a 20 min drive away and I can have a hug and be comforted by the man I love...that's hard to face.

So I'm trying to grab the moments...

Standing in the rain, watching the lighting over a nearby lake, and belting out our love for our Savior in every worship song that comes to mind. The wind swelling and rain pouring harder with each crescendo, and lightening and we pause and are in awe of His love.

Walking along in Millham Park, taking in the good smelling-ness of the outdoors. Then holding each other close and knowing this is where God wants us to be...

Visiting Wendy's JUST after ten and getting in because Peter used to work there. Then having to go through the drive through because they wouldn't serve us inside, and then taking Peter's straw because you have to ASK for one for a frosty apparently. He told me only old people drink a frosty with a straw! And I just about died laughing because we had to go through the drive through to get him another straw...

Seeing Peter fall asleep on the beach because he didn't sleep the night before so he could clean the house to take me to South Haven...(he's so hardcore!). Later, I remember crying the hardest I've ever cried about Peter leaving, and he held me close and comforted me. It was healing, in a way, and even though it wasn't the last cry I've had about this, that time changed something for the better in me.

All the little notes during HPA shows...in the stage manging booth, on my car, even tucked in/on my purse, and once in my locker!

All the flowers...recently the red rose Peter gave me when I came home from the 10 day absence of camping. He blesses me so much....


I could go on, but even just now dwelling on this positive stuff has cheered me up.

It's raining now... a swirling, consuming storm. Torrents of rain, as some author has said. And its encouraging, because even though I feel like a storm is coming, I'm safe inside a warm house, protected. And God's going to do that for me, too. Safe under the shadow of His wing.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Day In The Life

It's hard to write to keep people informed. I've often considered writing a monthly newsletter on my life and just sending it out to all my friends because it has become so hard for me to stay connected. But then, no one I know has ever done that--probably because actually sitting down to write is so difficult, as is evident by my lack of posts here.

My days are so busy...take today for example, get up, spend some time with God, send an important email, freak out because I need to leave for work in 20 min and I haven't even eaten breakfast. Work till 5 (an hour later than I planned), with an hour in there to get my new license plate for the car God gave me (Praise Him!). Go to Lindsay's for an hour, eat Lucky Charms for dinner (woo-hoo! my fave :-D) and then back to church at 6:30 for babysitting until 9. Home at 9:30, Laundry, call Peter and then crash here at the computer.

I barely got anything done that I needed to...work, laundry, email. How and I going to handle a school load? How am I going to find time to write? How about all my friends who I feel like I'm neglecting?

Only with God's grace, I suppose...
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