Tuesday, May 12, 2015


This week has been like a bag of BeanBoozled Jelly Bellies. You know those ones? With half great flavored and half ones like snot flavor? Every time I've reached in for the next thing, I've either been blessed with a great moment or shocked with a depressing or ugly one.

I had everything from a heart-shattering funeral to a two-hour long exciting meeting to a sickness that knocked me out cold for 36 hours, to a much-needed dinner out with my BFF, to adding about 100 things to my to do list, to a fun photoshoot on Saturday, to pulling together as much of the WorshipArts APEX prep as I can, to celebrating the amazing mothers in my life.

All this week. And all while my heart is processing grief in a way I never have before. I have empathized with people who’ve been grieving before, but I get it in a deeper way now that I just start crying in the middle of what’s supposed to be a happy moment, or my words come out sharp and shattered when I’m just trying to be kind. I know others are experiencing even deeper grief. I wasn’t even deeply connected to the amazing woman who passed away. But my community was. My family was. I’m feeling it like I was, too.

Yesterday I got to have a minute to do something I really love—arranging flowers. I picked out different kinds, some fresh and some store bought. I clipped them and thought through where each flower would land. It got messy, and sometimes the thorns on the roses hurt, but it was worth it to make something beautiful. As I was editing this picture and trying to decide what to say, I realized this week is really kind of like that... It's a pruning season.

My heart is trying to stay fully planted in each fruit of the Holy Spirit, but so many moments have shown the ugliness of my flesh. Those moments where I just want to be mean, but I need to choose to be vulnerable instead. Where I want to be selfish, but I need to put others first. I'm not succeeding. But I don't think I'm failing either--and even being able to say that is a sign of monumentous growth in me.

Maybe that's what Gods doing with me. He's clipping here and there, and while it's all still beautiful from His eyes, it's not quite there yet. Some of the my bruised and broken leaves are being removed. Maybe he'll use this to take my pieces and put them together into something beautiful that blesses His heart, and blesses His people.
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