I love being busy; I hate being busy. I know what the problem is in some respects and people keep (lovingly) pointing it out to me; at the same time I don't know the specific way to fix the problem and that basically means the problem is still vague and unknown.
I know part if it must have to do with organization. I know part of it has to do with following through on what I know I need to do rather than just thinking about what I need to do. I know much of it would be better if I spent more time with Jesus. I know I keep thinking about all of this and yet nothing is changing.
I went bowling today with my boyfriend Peter and his awesome father, brothers, and this other guy who might as well be his brother. I played two decent games and my third game stunk. Like 9 throws were terrible misses, and the worst part was they were all EXACTLY THE SAME. It would go right where I wanted it to until JUST before the pins and curve and miss them all. I kept trying to change parts to fix it. I stood in different places. I threw faster, then I threw slower. I thought about my hand, then I though about my arm, then I thought about the pins...nothing worked. It got me in a sour mood for a while. I hate the feeling of knowing something is wrong, seeing it play out over and over again, and seeing all your attempts to change it fail. I realized this is how I feel about so many area's of my life.
In the last two frame's I realized that I needed to change the way I was turning my thumb when I let go of the ball. It put the slightest spin on the ball that worked with my arm and made it disastrous. if I thought about taking my thumb out the other way it was not brilliant (like the 4 strikes between my other games) but definitely hit the pins. A simple solution. So simple it ticked me off at first.
What will magically change my life from this cycle of looking like I'm on the right track but missing at the last moment? What little detail will turn my life from crazy unorganizedness of messy room, crazy work desk, ridiculous school schedule, squeezed in friend time, nonexistent chore time, last minute God time and short family time? How can I feel satisfied with what I do get done? How can I feel like I'm not letting myself and others down?
And for goodness sakes, why in the world must I be so emotional??
Oh, questions. The accompany the constant thoughts of everything else on my mind to create a symphony of stress. The papers I need to write, finals I need to study for, important things I need to remember about work, the (Christmas) gifts I still haven't finished for many of my friends, the laundry I need to do, the things I need to remember for HPA, the trip I need to plan this summer, the fact my car only starts 50% of the time, that I need at least $1000 for school next year, $1900 for the missions trip I'm going on to Japan next Thanksgiving, and probably at least $2000 to buy a new car in the next year, not to mention the fact it'd probably be smart for me to start saving for a particular union that will probably happen in the next 3 or less years... the list goes on.
Oh, Jesus, give me peace and focus.
Readers, what is your advice for my predicament?