Thursday, October 30, 2008

And So My Mind Processes My Heart's Breaths...

(Take note: my URL has changed to heartsbreath.blogspot.com)

I made a lot of mistakes today.

I did a lot of things wrong.

I hate making poor choices.

I wasted time.

I did what this verse tells me not to do:

Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else.
-Galatians 6:4

ARGGG.


I need focus, drive, purpose, and a renewed desire to passionately run after what I believe in.

Not that drastic of a change, right? If only it were as easily done as typed. (But then really, it wouldn't be as valuable, would it?)

I feel like I can't get onto all the great things God wants me to do until I get through this season and learn how to manage my time. And at the same time I feel like I can't learn how to manage my time until I get through this season. Oh the woe of circular problems.

It reminds me of circular logic. And isn't that a fallacy? Would that make my problem a fallacy? Am I believing a lie that is holding me down? That takes some thinking.

****Thank you for choosing "The Breathings of My Heart." Please take this short interlude to grab a cup of coffee, stretch, take a 2 minute snooze, or run to the loo while Tori collects her thoughts.****

The first thing that comes to mind is that I believe that I'll just get around to it later. Procrastination, that old crone! It seems I keep meaning to tell her to get out of my life. And when I actually do, I suppose she looks back at me with a wicked little grin and says, "but you invited me yourself," and then goes back to tying my life into knots, as if it were my crocheting yarn. But what is the best way to get past a remission of Ms. Procrastination and into full fledged freedom?

I know in my heart true freedom comes through Christ. How can I get more faithful to Him? I keep trying...and other things keep slipping in to trip me up. Sometimes I wish I could erase my life and start with a new clean slate--a new white wall to decorate in a less cluttered way than my life is now. It is difficult. In one sense, I cannot do this. I have loves and commitments and responsibilities and a life. I not only need to work with what I have, but God gave it to me, so deep down I want to stick with what I have. But this is the truly difficult concept for me to grasp: every time I go to God, He wipes everything clean with Christ's blood.


Wow.


Gone.


And He tells me that. "Ok, ready to start new? I am. I'm going to take this risk with you again today. I'm going to trust you with your freewill to choose Me. And when you don't, and you really are repentant, I'm going to forget the mistake and start the adventure anew with you." And He says that every time. I have to stop taking it for granted.

I do truly regret it. I beat myself up over it--and I know I've got an enemy that doesn't hesitate to wag my failures in my face. You know, that enemy hates The Adventure. Despises it. And I cannot let myself ever come close to disregarding The Adventure. But my problem is, with my little, weak inside eyes, I don't see the huge scope of The Adventure... my eyes are wandering! And now I want to beat myself up again, even now as I write. Why and I so foolish?!

"Father, come now, clean my heart, start anew. Show me how to live for You. Lead me...teach me. Give me a heart for You--a hunger for Your Heartbeat. Let me always hear it--let it be my radar, let it guide my steps. Let this cry never extinguish!
Let my flame never falter! Keep my passion aimed at You."


I feel like I just have to keep running. I am sick of striving... it is discouraging.

Maybe instead, I need to return to His feet. And sit there, and gaze at Him. And His love rains down on me as His tears. Because He longs even more than I do to see me live my life fully. He wants to transform me, and whenever I start to climb up to the potters wheel, I get afraid of being dizzy. And so I sit back and look at the wheel and Him and... I question. Oh God! Let my only question be, "What next, Abba?" With a happy 5-year-old smile and trust. Teach me to grow-down. Down and back into the Tori you created me to be. Down...grow down deep into you. Like a tiny dandelion with those ridiculous roots. Tear away the fear and doubt and worry that I've built up around me. This kind of big is ugly--big walls to keep everything away, box me in, and it has kept you out! Those walls are Big that is seen--I need unseen Big. Big things come in small packages. I'm a little diamond of His, and He wants to shine is light on me to make a worldchanger rainbow.

...Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. -Romans 12:2b


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